My brother called our dad a narcissist.
I was having dinner with him when he said it. We were reflecting on our relationship with dad, and why we're no-contact when he dropped dad is a narcissist. It caught me off-guard.
My issues with dad are the same as my brother's: he's just Some Guy. There are worse fathers out there. He wasn't abusive or anything, just absent. He was the back-up parent, having to parent when mom was too sick or busy to step in. And it was clear he was the back-up parent. We all knew he was. It was awkward when he had to pick us up from school. The car rides were silent or given the scripted, 'how was your day?' answered with a bored 'good.'
As kids, my brother loved The Magic Treehouse books and Percy Jackson. I loved Harry Potter (before social media took off and JK Rowling outed herself as a raging transphobe). Mom read to us every single night, built LEGOs with us, and watched the Indiana Jones movies. She was an involved parent who encouraged our interests, and was so excited to share them with us! Mom was cool!
I can't remember a time dad ever took an interest in us or what we did except for a rare blue moon. It was awkward sharing things that we loved with him because he didn't know how to be interested in us. He didn't know how to put himself second. Even mom seemed tired trying to manage a surprise third child.
There wasn't much to dad. He took us to our school events and showed up (though, he was chronically late). But there was no emotional depth to the relationship. He truly was just Some Guy. Even mom had to remind him to do dad things. Mom was the primary parent, the superstar, and lapped dad like crazy in the parenting race.
Mom figured it out on Day-1 whereas dad seemed stuck on chapter 1 of how to be an effective and loving parent. Which is strange because our grandparents (his parents) were good, effective parents! Needless to say, dad missed the memo. Dad was just Some Guy. And somewhere along the way, our parents got divorced. Shocker, I know. Mom clued into the fact that she married Some Guy.
But because he was always a disappointing Some Guy in my head, I was shocked when my brother called him a narcissist. It was such a sharp word and I immediately gave him a bewildered, confused look and asked him to explain. I was cautious about the word – it felt like another buzzword being thrown around too easily like boundaries, red flags, toxic, triggering, etc.. The internet is everyone's therapist now, and therapyspeak got co-opted. The first sign of a struggle is an 'incompatibility,' and the first mistake we make is a 'red flag.' Everything is neatly labelled and put into a bad box.
My brother explained dad's behaviour: he only saw his children as an extension of his personhood. Neither of us are a doctor or a laywer, so we damaged his personhood – his idea of success, his personal success story. His care for us is warped and always came with strings attached. He never gave unless he the balance was paid back in full, sometimes with interest. It made interactions with him feel business-like and fraught. What would it cost him to actually pay into the relationship bank without keeping score?
I don't know. I have lunch with him once in awhile as a full-grown adult and it's always awkward. He was there for my entire childhood, but doesn't know a single thing about me and vice versa. It's like an awkward first date every time with someone you're fundamentally incompatible with. It's weird. He really is Some Guy.
I don't think dad is a narcissist. He's certainly self-absorbed, and arrogant, and someone can be all three without being a narcissist. A narcissist is an actual personality disorder, and that word sounds too clinical for someone who is just Some Guy.